January 26, 2012

42 Things You Shouldn’t Say on a First Date

Wow, you look really different from your profile picture.
That reminds me of something my ex used to say…
That’s just like last week’s episode of Cougar Town…
Turns out it was> contagious.
Sorry I’m late, but my other date ran long.
That reminds me of something <em>your</em> ex used to say…
What’s your name again?
So, I thought it said lobster instead of rabbit, but enough about my cooking…
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Heroin is not addictive.
Sure it’s not you? could have swore I’ve seen you on redtube.
The beard? after my last date I’m not allowed to have razors.
My astrologist told me we are wasting our time.
My psychologist told me this wasn’t a good idea.
Hello? yes Mom… it’s for you.
Your shrink warned me you’d said that.
Would have guessed you were a size 4 from the security camera footage.
The medication helps, not really. A lot.
You really need a better Facebook password.
I didn’t know if I was ready to date humans again.
I’m sorry, but this leather underwear is really itchy.
They all agreed it was the weirdest X-ray they’ve ever seen.
Would you cut the meat for me?
Thankfully they didn’t allow DNA evidence back then.
This is awkward… I thought your sister picked up the phone.
Feels good to use forks and knives again.
Well, it was a long time ago, and I never saw your Mom again.
Keep talking, I just have an idea of how to beat this Angry Birds level.
I brought an extra diaper if you wanna try…
Should we agree on a safe word right away?
Sorry, I’m not allowed a route that close to a high school.
Oh crap! if anyone asks, you’re my sister, ok?
I always wanted to know what menstruating felt like.
Of course you could claim the reward, but then our next date would be in a <em>long</em> time.
This could never work out… I’m Batman.
I’m gonna need to see your passport.
How would you like a June wedding?
But we are going to a club, I need my sunglasses.
I still think Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles deserved a nomination.
I always keep my yellow Speedo’s handy, just in case.
For real, your twin is not coming?
Yes, I saw it on the news… You just had to be there to understand.
Let’s do something, you pay today, I’ll get the next one.

Any similarity with real life® is purely coincidental.

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